I have had the honor and privilege of working with people in cancer treatment and survivors for over 25 years. I often hear how challenging and awkward the holidays may be for them. None of us is ever prepared for cancer, having it ourselves or having friends and family that have cancer, especially during the holidays. I am not a licensed counselor however I am a licensed and board certified massage therapist and human that has been in this situation more times than I like. So, I wanted to write this short list to help a bit.
- If they have told you they have cancer but, explained they were not telling a lot of people, not making it public knowledge, please do not share it with anyone unless they give you permission to do so. Understand you are a valued and close family member or friend. Keep it that way. They will need you and you want to be present for them. Start now. They really may want to spend the holidays as the holidays without a focus on them. They really don’t want to be surprised with everyone knowing when they didn’t tell everyone. Zip It!
- Understand that if this is a recent diagnosis, they may not have all the answers yet. They may not have all the plans and schedules yet. Or they may be going through treatments during the holidays. Ask them how you can best support them and let them know you will keep in contact in case they need anything.
- A holiday gathering is not the time to ask if they have gotten a second opinion. Really, trust me on this. They have most likely been asked this question at least 50 times already. Instead, ask them if they want to talk about their diagnosis and/or treatment and then….Listen.
- Please don’t say… “You look great!”. Instead, let them know how glad you are to see them.
- Don’t try to overdo it with unusually generous gifts. If you do please make sure it is something they really do want, clear it with another close family member and maybe don’t do it in front of a large group of people.
- Please don’t buy “cancer” gifts. Once again check with a close family member for certain but, gifts of books, hats, everything in their type of cancer ribbon color can be a little weird. Not that these things may not be appreciated but, perhaps they don’t need to be under the tree or replacing the things they usually may appreciate receiving as gift.
- In conversation I recommend you do not bring up Keto, other fad diets, talk about how diets cure cancer or how cancer loves sugar. Even if you are a licensed dietician or certified nutrition specialist you will want to respect their treatment team and these days in almost every hospital and cancer center, they have dieticians and nutritionists available. If you really want to talk about food and diets, ask them what they wish they had in the freezer at home. Then think about delivering it soon.
- Honestly, they probably would like to enjoy the holiday and not talk about cancer. So please don’t start telling them stories about other people you know that had cancer or celebrities that had cancer. Instead, focus on them as a person, as them, not as their condition.
- Please don’t show up at a holiday gathering with the “cure cancer” diet book, essential oils, your homemade Kancer Killing Kombucha, cannabis etc. We know you mean well but, you may not understand how complex cancer treatment is now and that some of these things may not be compatible or safe at this time. Instead, ask them what their favorite cookie or holiday treat is. Maybe see if you can make it or get it for them during the holidays.
- Please try to avoid telling them how brave, strong and inspirational they are. They really don’t need to hear that God doesn’t give them more than they can handle or that what doesn’t kill them will make them stronger at this point. Instead, please listen to them, give them a hug and enjoy the holidays together.
